Mirrors

Take a good look in the mirror. Do you recognise who you see? I watched a show once where a girl was told to look herself in the eye in her mirror and count to ten. She counted to three and then burst out crying. Of course, it was a TV programme. But that didn't stop me from trying it in front of my bathroom mirror that night.

I think, generally, life can be divided into cycles or phases. Simplisticly, I call them the 'up' cycle and the 'down' cycle. The 'up' cycle is basically when I feel the gods are smiling down on me. Everything fits. Everything feels great. The sun shines. The birds sing. You get the idea. The 'down' cycle is like a rainy day that never ends.

Sometimes these cycles are a direct result of the decisions we make. Sometimes it's something that happens which you have no control over. I guess then that's where the words.. 'God grant me the strength to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference' seem most apt. The problem with me is, I think I can change everything, the wisdom kicks-in often slowly and thus resulting in acceptance which is often belated.

If our behaviour like Freud said is governed mostly by the unconscious mind, it would mean a lot of the decisions I make come from a hidden place that I am not aware or mindful of. And with that comes the need to blame others for my failures, insecurities, fears, disappointment and hurt. It is so easy to.

Taking responsibility for my own actions is hard. It would mean admitting I was wrong. Something I hate being. It would also mean that I have failed. Not the best place to be either.

I came to a realisation recently, that I may have wasted 2years of my life being hung-up over a guy who wasn't "right". Probably wasn't even right from the start. I have blamed everything about him, from the mixed signals he seemed to permeate, to the things he said and then didn't, and the things he did for me and then to me.

But what about me? What role did I play in the equation. Although I say I want to take responsibility for my part in this, I'm not exactly sure what for? What I do know, is people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And I allowed him to get away with a lot. But why? Out of love? Fear? Habit?

The landscape we function in is constantly changing. The people you let walk into your life. And the ones you decide to let walk out. The loss of someone dear to you. The pleasure of new found love. It shifts your outlook, it shifts your behaviours, it moves you out of a comfort zone and makes you want to react in new ways.

For now, I've been moved out of my comfort zone. It's tempting to sneak my way back in. Denial takes centre stage in that zone and it infuses a false warm, cosy feeling. But despite what Freud said, I'm trying to make this a conscious choice.

So here's to strength, wisdom and serenity!